Some meditations:

On Faith and Confidence

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging (one another); and all the more, as you see the day drawing near...Strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed." author unknown

"Love one another as your self." Jesus of Nazareth

Confidence--to have faith in
words with common roots--confide, confidant, fidelity

What does it mean to have self-confidence? To have faith in one's self, to trust one...to trust one's abilities? one's loyalty? one's convictions? Does self-confidence have its roots in experiences (the past) or in faith and hope (the future)? Perhaps it should rely on both, being skeptical of the former? What leads to a lack of self-confidence? When does one lose faith in one's self, stop trusting? Perhaps it is related to when one begins lying to one's self, no? When a person knows s/he is capable of self-deceptions, of nearly unconscious self-denial, self-confidence is difficult to preserve.

So how is this trust rebuilt? First, it must come through honesty. Being honest with one's self will begin to rebuild trust, and eventually, self-confidence. Two, it must be tried and built upon new experiences. As time passes, and honest action occurs, one's faith in one's self will grow. This is especially true as one experiences great challenges--and remains honest and patiently steadfast through the challenge. Success in these times is not absolutely necessary to the rebuilding of confidence but the honesty is. Finally, eventually sucess in one's goals and actions is likely needed--although it shouldn't be the prerequisite to building self-confidence. But without the acheivement at some point it is likely that any other attempts to build self-confidence will be stalled or undermined. Therefore, it may be very important to have many short-term reasonable but still demanding goals upon which confidence can grow. These goals can be of any nature, from the mundane to the banal, from a promise to make one's bed everyday to an unwavering commitment to do one kind act for a stranger each day. The goal should be concrete, a step beyond what one does comfortably or habitually, and able to be done on a regular basis. As one succeeds over and over at achieving these goals, self-confidence should grow.

Closing impressions:
Self-confidence should be deeply linked to self-love and self-respect. It cannot be separated from sincere self-care. A person who does not truly care for her/his self will not have self-confidence. But one who treats him/herself with truly humble respect (not self-worship, but love) will grow in love for others as well because s/he will see the need for con/fidence with others and extend that love of her/his self to her/his cocreation. For truly, we are all part of the world's self, and we will learn confidence in others the more we learn to confide in our selves.

On Peace

If there is to be peace in the world, I must have peace in my heart.

What are some qualities of peace?
compassion mercy just actions love care
understanding forgiveness absence of fear

What are some enemies of peace?
anxiety striving for perfection anger fear selfishness
apathy misdirection self-righteousness distraction dishonesty

Is it necessary to understand my fear and own selfishness in order to have peace in my life? What is it that I fear? Why, now, do I fear being alone? It has never mattered to me much before, but recently, now that I seem to have "lost" it, I am afraid of losing love. I must be able to draw on the love that exists, in plenty, in the world. I must receive love, and not be anxious of the places it seems not be. For I must know that if I love myself--and all of the rest of creation to which I am connected--then I will never lack love. And if I receive love from God--whose love is infinitely eminating through the Spirit & the spirit of Creation--there is no amount of bad energy that can ever last against this love God has & gives to me.
But if I hoard this love--fearing its scarcity or the possibility of losing it--I will have already lost it. For it is in giving that we receive. When I give love, share love, I make love and can reap the harvest that I sow. This love can be found in all creation--the trees, the fields, the air, the grass, the people, the sea, the mountains--they all can love me and hope to be loved by me. So why this longing? I must recognize that if God has made a temple in me and rests the Spirit here --I am full of love. There is no part of me that God does not love. I am struggling right now to hope in this truth, but I will pray for it to take root & grow. I pray now for seeds to be planted in my mind and heart that say--I am loved. I am love. I have love. I give love and need love and have an infinite supply of it, if I will draw it from and give it to all that I am connected to.
I pray to have an open heart and the will to love others without a need to see that love have any end achieved other than itself. Remember Dmitri--how you love this child without knowing him, how your heart opens to him and how you are able to desire no response from this child except that he know and receive love and that it somehow manifest itself in his life. Let your attitude toward all be the same. Love your "enemies," the "strangers" among you--from an insecure position, without the guarantee or even likelihood of receprication. Love, and peace will follow.

July 12, 2008 approx. 11:30 @ Kataskinosi

I've been on camp for one week now, and I continue to have mixed feelings. I take nearly all responsiblity for the negativity I'm projecting and I hope to change my attitude--and change it quickly. For instance, I woke up today grumpy. I don't know why, really, I just know that I'm head-achy, sore, tired, and kind of cranky. I'll pray and read som in a bit, but I'm growing tired of having to do this so often here. I wonder, too, if it's just me: I'm remembering, though, the need to change the environment around me if I feel negative coming at me--not the other way around. So I continue to pray for the ability to relax and respond to the people here.

I do know that I need to face myself--this is part of the problem and will have to be done before I can move forward much more. I don't know know how/when to do it. I almost feel as though I need a guide--God guide me--and I pray for the ocurage to do it--and the discipline to stay with it. An honest look at myself will be hard for sure but it is needed.

I don't have much more to write--my thoughts are still really scattered right now and I know that will continue to battle some old demons right now--insecurity, fear, jealousy--so I pray for the patience, confidence, and will to be giving, compassionate, and loving right now. And I give myself permission to be quiet right now--I know that I often try too hard to project myself as I want to be instead of growing naturally those things within that I too often artificially project. I must be patient with myself right now.

Short term goals:

• Look for what is good, funny, or beautiful today. Appreciate it.
• Try to reach out more to others.
• Focus on opening up more to specific people. I don't have to be there for the whole camp.
• Let go of the need to "succeed" here. If I regress this week, look to learn form it and grow the next. Whatever happens, learn from this experience and don't let guilt hold me down.
• Don't think so much--try to act more on 1st instincts--then guage the fruitfulness of it.
• Praise God in big and small ways today.

It's Monday morning, the first offical day of camp in Athens. I'm a mess of emotions right now. I miss everyone back home--and I know my homesickenss is amplified by the fact that I won't see them for another two months. I miss everyone at the last camp. And probably the most responsible for my emotional state right now is Athens itself. I'm anxious of the need to reach out to people. And the language barriers are ridiculously difficult. Whenever I meet someone for the first time, it's already difficult because of culture, character, age, gender, race, socioeconomic background, you name it...Compound all of these possible "barriers" w/the obvious inability to simply communicate w/another person and making connections becomes quite difficult. It's always so hard, too, to distinguish a personality characteristic from a simple language problem. A person might seem very distant and shy when in fact they can be quite outgoing and assertive--when in their own comfortable environment. I think that's my problem. I've always been resistant to too many changes--and a little reluctant to eschew all comforts. And now I'm having to face a weight that isn't able to be quickly counterbalanced with family, friends, or any other familiar person or place. Even Igor seems incredibly distant, althought the distance is my doing, I think. I'm very much inside myself right now, and I'm not sure how quickly I will reemerge here in Athens. I feel that when given a specific task, I'm able to open myself to it, but otherwise I'm uncertain. Which shouldn't be something that necessarily inhibits me. But it has put me on edge. I know, though, that the thing which is tearing me down the most right now is that I won't return home for another 2 months. And I'm learning that "newness" has less and less pleasure by itself for me. I'm not sure I know why--but I do know that there are few places that I feel truly connected to a community in and I miss that connection. I feel that I had it in Dallas--I was connected to people I truly loved and felt truly loved by. I refuse to pretend anymore that Michigan couldn't be the same--that it isn't--and I think I must acknowledge that there is something else truly bothering me. I feel an overwhelming claustrophobia right now--although I know that I am here by choice and should I wish, I could go home tomorrow. These realizations surprise me, because I didn't think I'd miss everyone so much. But I really do. I've not gone this long without talking to or seeing my family, I think, since I left them 7 years ago. I do not quite know how I could (or will) survive w/out them one day.
I wonder again, why I am here. Athens isn't a place I feel any affinity for. Greeks aren't particularly familiar to me. I think one of my challenges these 3 weeks will be to find the beauty in all of this strangeness and to connect despite the lack of easy or obvious ways to do this. I must be patient with myself as well--it took me about one week to feel capable in Palestine. If after 2 days, I still feel a bit of cultural aftershocks, I think that's ok. This is a big step for me, surrendering so much of my self to another people and place, and I think I need to give myself some time to be ok with all of it. For now, I'll set some short-term goals for myself:

• talk to somone new each day
• reach out more to the local volunteers
• trust my self
• be patient
• put everything in context: I have 3 weeks and 2 days at camp--that's all. So in the grand scheme of things, this won't seem but a moment. I need to soak it up as much as possible and return with my new way of seeing. I may or may not make incredible lasting connections, but I can make lasting imporessions and take with me lasting memories. This I must do if I am to grow on these trips.