July 19, 2008 approx. 4:00 p.m. Kataskinosi

A few scattered beats are jumping around in my head right now...I'm feeling really on edge. We'll see how well this wrting helps to calm me down. I've been thinking al ot about art, music, and writing lately and about how I want to push forward creatively. I'm trying to trust that I will have to wade through a lot of bad writing until the good stuff emerges--but that it will emerge. It will take some committment but I think the will is gradually growing in me. I have so little to write right now. Mentally, a lot has been hitting me, and I'm still spinning from Palestine. I'm having such a difficult time focusing here and truly connecting to people. Truthfully, I'm looking forward to leaving. I'm excited to move on, but I also know it is better for me to stay present here. So I must try that, too. Already, it has been a short and long time since I left home, but I know more about myself because of it. I see myself as more "American" (and a woman, for that matter) than ever before (going to countries where I am constantly seen and judged first by nationality and/or gender has really raised an awareness of both of these aspects of my identity). And I want more to help change the reasons Americans are often seen as dumb, insensitive, proud and selfish. While I agree that many Americans espouse one or two or even more of these qualities, I also feel that we are, like everyone else in the world in his/her own way, unfairly stereotyped and not seen as full people. If we are ignorant, that can change. The same is true of our pride, isolationism, and selfishness. I do not think we are unkind or evil. I do think we are distracted, and I would want to work for a more focused, genuinely loving culture in the States. I only hope it is still possible. I suppose these thing have to start within one's self--so it begins with me. In other words, I've got to engage. And that begins here in Athens. So I've got to keep pushing, keep opening, even though I'm so tempted to retreat into reflection and quietness here. Still, I'll keep trying.