July 12, 2008 approx. 11:30 @ Kataskinosi

I've been on camp for one week now, and I continue to have mixed feelings. I take nearly all responsiblity for the negativity I'm projecting and I hope to change my attitude--and change it quickly. For instance, I woke up today grumpy. I don't know why, really, I just know that I'm head-achy, sore, tired, and kind of cranky. I'll pray and read som in a bit, but I'm growing tired of having to do this so often here. I wonder, too, if it's just me: I'm remembering, though, the need to change the environment around me if I feel negative coming at me--not the other way around. So I continue to pray for the ability to relax and respond to the people here.

I do know that I need to face myself--this is part of the problem and will have to be done before I can move forward much more. I don't know know how/when to do it. I almost feel as though I need a guide--God guide me--and I pray for the ocurage to do it--and the discipline to stay with it. An honest look at myself will be hard for sure but it is needed.

I don't have much more to write--my thoughts are still really scattered right now and I know that will continue to battle some old demons right now--insecurity, fear, jealousy--so I pray for the patience, confidence, and will to be giving, compassionate, and loving right now. And I give myself permission to be quiet right now--I know that I often try too hard to project myself as I want to be instead of growing naturally those things within that I too often artificially project. I must be patient with myself right now.

Short term goals:

• Look for what is good, funny, or beautiful today. Appreciate it.
• Try to reach out more to others.
• Focus on opening up more to specific people. I don't have to be there for the whole camp.
• Let go of the need to "succeed" here. If I regress this week, look to learn form it and grow the next. Whatever happens, learn from this experience and don't let guilt hold me down.
• Don't think so much--try to act more on 1st instincts--then guage the fruitfulness of it.
• Praise God in big and small ways today.