My summer will officially begin in less than two days. On Saturday, I'll be taking off for New Orleans--the Big Easy--for a week with some friends. Sadly, I'm too detached from everything to really be excited right now. I know all of the things I'm dealing with right now will pass, and that I have to keep my head to the sky--it's just hard. I'm tired of dealing with these old ghosts--I feel like they don't have the right to haunt me anymore. I'm ready to move on--to put them behind me and look forward to what is coming into vision not fading away.

I suppose I should ask myself what it is that I want--and how I think I'm going to find it.

I want peace--I know that I have to be full of forgiveness and love to achieve that in myself and work for justice in the world if I want peace outside of myself.

I want assurance--I want to know that what I do isn't worthless--that it's not just my way of desk-watching in a cubicle--my walls emotional rather than pressed carpet and cardboard...I want to connect to the world and feel it--really feel it.

And I suppose in that way, I'm still one of the lucky...I can still feel deep sadness and confusion--I can still acknowledge loss, and even though I have refused to let it overtake me, I've also refused to ignore it. I suppose that is the best I could hope for right now.

I know that this summer is not going to be the thing that fixes me--wherever I go, I'll be taking myself with me, and my hurts, my fears, my hopes--they'll all be there, too.

I know that I'm stronger every day, and that I can still surrender and be humble, too.

I thank God for that.

I suppose the most important thing I can do right now is keep my heart open and vulnerable, as much as I want to close it off and protect it right now. I have to accept the truth that whatever disappointments my heart encounters it will be strong enough to weather them. I have to believe that these momentary afflictions are passing--and that in the wake of their scars, healing will come. That these current frustrations will bear the children of patience, understanding, self-respect, and love. I am afraid, it's true. I am afraid of years wasted, I'm afraid of not letting go soon enough and of letting go too soon. But I have to confront this fear like any other, I have to acknowledge it without empowering it. I have to reconcile this demon to myself, I know.

For now, I want to allow myself the proper time to grieve--to feel the sadness that is mine to feel at this moment, but I also want to live. I want to be a lover of life again--and I will. Because I refuse to let the temporary afflictions ground me. I know that I am above this.

And yet one thing--I pray that I will be ok with being weak for once. I have feigned strength my whole life--and believed in it almost all of that time. But I believe that now the time has arrived for me to stop. I must acknowledge this part of me and stop chastising it. My fear is not necessarily a bad thing. Nether is my strength. I need both to be a balanced person.